Sometimes The Onion really nails politics, and constitutional law:
In a significant discovery that sheds new light on the region’s history, archaeologists excavating a site on Capitol Hill reportedly unearthed evidence this week suggesting that humans once passed laws there.
The team of researchers from the University of Maryland confirmed that it collected a wealth of writing implements and ancient documents, which appeared to indicate that, in earlier ages, approximately 500 humans assembled at a centralized location and worked as a group, with the apparent goal of creating a system of rules designed to govern behavior.
“Our finding that early inhabitants used to work toward the common objective of improving society through formal, cooperative efforts completely changes what we knew about the Washington D.C. region,” said lead archaeologist Peter Douglas, who expressed admiration for the sophisticated, self-sufficient civilization that once flourished along the banks of the Potomac River. “In fact, based on the sheer number of artifacts that we’ve unearthed, it appears this practice of law-crafting may have been their primary livelihood.”
But, all good things must come to an end:
Despite what appear to have been generations of prolific law creation in Washington D.C., researchers said that the complete lack of any relics from more recent years confirmed that the practice seems to have died out suddenly and without any explanation.
“Our team has carefully cataloged and studied all of the artifacts that were excavated, but we are still unable to explain why the social structure fell out of favor and disappeared from the area,” archaeologist Jennifer Bloch said. “Perhaps the tragic decline of this once-common human activity was the result of a major conflict, a radical generational shift, general malaise, or a conquering band that invaded the region and displaced the practitioners of this curious and remarkable lawmaking culture.”
“All we can say for certain is that this ancient practice appears to have been lost to the ages,” Bloch added.