If Erie Railroad v. Tompkins Happened in 2014, It Would Totally Be A Dude Taking A Selfie Next To An Oncoming Train Getting Kicked by the Conductor

April 16th, 2014

The facts of Erie Railroad v. Tompkins (1938) are familiar to everyone. Harry Tompkins, a citizen of Pennsylvania, was walking on alongside the tracks of the Erie Railroad when an object sticking out of the train knocked him over, and resulted in his arm getting crushed by the train.

In 2014, how would it happen? Some idiot is trying to take a selfie next to an oncoming train, and the conductor sticks out his foot to kick him in the head. Then the millennial brags, “Wow that guy just kicked me in the head! I think I got that on film!”

Here is the play-by-play.

Missed that? The train was going pretty fast, after all. Let’s take a frame-by-frame look.

Train selfie

Here Michael stands, blissfully unaware of what is to come.

What was he even doing, trying to take a selfie with a train?

Note the workboot on the far right of the frame.

Brace for impact…

That’s gotta hurt.

And out come the headphones.

If anything, Jared Michael should be commended on his steady hands.

His hair looks very Kim Jong-un here.

And it’s all over.

And no, federal common law will not save this millennial.

I am sick and tired of the selfie. I think we’ve reached peak-selfie. I hope this trend fades, quickly.