Oh I love the Onion sometimes– Urban Planner Stuck In Traffic Of Own Design:
PITTSBURGH, PA—Bernard Rothstein, an urban planner and traffic-flow modulation specialist with the Urban Redevelopment Authority, found himself stuck in rush-hour traffic of his own design for more than an hour Monday.
This happens every weeknight,” Rothstein said, inching through the Allegheny Center district he designed in 1987. “When will I learn to avoid this part of town during rush hour?”
The gridlock-bound Rothstein, who has worked in urban planning for 24 years, passed the time by devising possible modifications to his original design.
“A direct path to I-279 and wider on-ramps would have helped, for starters,” Rothstein said, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “Sure, a six-lane street wouldn’t look as nice as that tree-lined square with the fountain—Jesus, lady! Move!—but with six lanes, I wouldn’t be sitting here breathing fumes.”
While attempting to nose his Lexus GS 300 into a line of honking cars, Rothstein brainstormed more solutions to his current predicament.
“With more lanes, tourists wouldn’t have to cut across commuter traffic to get from the area around the Buhl Planetarium and the Institute Of Popular Science down to the Three Rivers area to buy hot wings at those crappy jazz clubs,” Rothstein said. “You might have thought of that, genius. After all, you’re the one who convinced them to re-zone it commercial. Moron.”