Issue Spotting Exam on the Jersey Shore

July 21st, 2010

The following is a issue spotting exam question based on the characters from Jersey Shore. GTL Forever. Thanks to Will S. on Facebook for some help on this.

Identify and address all constitutional issues:

DJ Pauly D, seizing on his fame and notorious physique, concocts a new dairy beverage, known as Gorilla Milk. Pauly pasteurizes and bottles the drink in a factory in his native New Hampshire. Eager to target all of the juiceheads sauntering around the boardwalk in Seaside Heights, NJ, Pauly contracts with “We Come Before T & L Gym” to offer his products to muscle builders.

Mayor Vinnie was not happy about this competition with the city-run Seaside Dairy Consortium, and signed into law an ordinance prohibiting the sale of all dairy beverages that were not pasteurized within 10 miles of the city. Pauly’s factory, which is further than 10 miles from the city, is barred from selling Gorilla Milk on the boardwalk.

Unhappy with this decision, Pauly called some his cousins in Staten Island, New York, and told them to apply for jobs with the contracting company–Bros Icing Cows– that works with the Dairy Consortium.  At the time, Seaside had enacted an ordinance that required at least 35% of the employees of the contractors had to reside in New Jersey. Unsurprisingly, all of Pauly’s dudes were denied employment. Upset, Pauly told some of his other cousins from Staten Island, who were professional fishermen, to apply for a permit to catch fish in the pristine waters off of Seaside. Mayor Vinnie, flexing his muscles against dudes from Staten Island, denied these permits as they were out-of-staters.

Celebrating his legislative victory, Vinnie takes a stroll down the boardwalk and sees a huge crate of bronzer. Vinnie runs up to it, opens it up, and sees a bottle of Smirnoff Ice hidden among the bottles of bronzer. Ronnie, donned in his finest Ed Hardy, jumps out of nowhere and goes “You’ve been Iced Bro!” Vinnie, apparently unaware of the tradition, refuses to get on one knee and down the bottle of Smirnoff Ice. Following the custom, Ronnie “shuns” Vinnie. Realizing that Ronnie had ordered the Smirnoff on the Internet from a bottler in Florida, Vinnie signs into law a bill that bans the direct delivery of all malt liquor from out-of-state bottlers, though in-state bottlers could still ship directly.

Following the immense popularity of Jersey Shore, The Situation (hereinafter referred to as “Sitch”) became a self-proclaimed preacher. Sitch spread the gospel of GTL, which included the daily ritual sacraments of going to the gym, getting a tan, and sending off your laundry. Additionally, animal sacrifices in honor of Sitch were routine. In this violent and cruel ritual, GTLers would beat a rat to death with one of Sitch’s gold chains, and drink the blood mixed with Red Bull. When Sitch attempted to open a new shrine to conduct these sacrifices, the city denied his permit, citing the health and safety concerns about killing rats. One of the most bizarre rituals of this faith was concocting a noxious brew of hot tub water, pickles, and ground up tablets of the drug ecstasy. An imbiber of GTL Juice, as it was known, worked for the city’s Department of Sanitation Following a positive drug test, he was terminated, even though he protested, arguing that drinking GTL Juice was part of his faith.

Following her stint on Jersey Shore, and incensed with the tax on tanning salons, Snooki has become a nationwide advocate for the the spray tanning industry. The surgeon general, after spending some personal time with Snooki, announces that spray tanning is extremely healthy, and in fact can prevent several types of cancer. Doubters of this science–dubbed orange-deniers–are shunned from the scientific community after the United Nations issues a report confirming this miraculous cure. The President signs into law the Patient Protection and Affordable Tanning Act, which mandates that every American citizen receives a spray tan at least once a week. Citing the Surgeon’s General report about the preventative benefits of spray tanning, the Congress finds that imposing this obligation will help curb costs and improve the health of the nation. Any person who refuses to undergo spray tanning is subject to a fine of 1% of their annual income. It is questionable whether this fine is enacted as a penalty, or as a tax.

Back in Jersey, Sitch was ticked off with Seaside’s draconian gun laws. The only guns Sitch could bear were on his arms. Impressive as they were, they really failed to protect his right of self defense. Under Seaside Law, the Situation could keep a rifle at home if it was registered, though all hand-guns were prohibited. Additionally,Mayor Vinnie imposed a registration fee of $300 per year in order to renew a gun permit. Failure to pay this fee resulted in a felony.

Situation was driving in Seaside, beating the beat to Jay Z’s 99 Problems when Officer Kayne pulls him over. West says, “I’ma letchu finish beating the beat, but do you know why I’m stopping you for?” Sitch replies, “Cause I’m young and I’m tan and my hats real low.” Kanye informed him he was driving 55 in a 54 mph zone. Sitch is not too happy. Kanye asks if he could “look round the car a little bit? Sitch, rapped quite eloquently in reply, “Well my glove compartment is locked, so is the trunk and the back. And I know my rights so you gon’ need a warrent for that.” Ignoring Sitch’s recitation of the law, Kanye searches his car and finds an unregistered firearm in the locked trunk. Sitch is arrested, and later released on bail.

Shortly thereafter, the city planning commission issued a finding that the entire Seaside Heights Boardwalk was “blighted.” Mayor Vinnie announced a comprehensive plan to seize the private property of all the businesses along the boardwalk through eminent domain, and build a GlaxoSmithKline facility which would produce much more profits than the struggling T-Shirt shops there now.

In Jersey, everyone was unhappy with Mayor Vinnie’s rule with an iron orange-tinted fist. Leading the resistance was The Situation. Situation had enough and decided that he needed to change the Situation. He held a rally at the beach, and spoke of getting revenge against the Mayor and the City of Seaside who continue to oppress Juiceheads everywhere. Sitch announced plans to march on City Hall later that week and take it by force, if needed.

Ronnie, who got really fired up from Sitch’s powerful rhetoric, marched to city hall, fist-pumping his fist in the air, screaming “Vinnie is Shunned!” Fist-pumping–that is the act of shaking your fist up and down to the beat of some hot track–was discouraged. Some saw this primal activity as inciting imminent lawless action, because when dudes start fist-pumping, they invariably start to beat the beat; and once they beat the beat, all bets are off and a “situation” is inevitable. An officer arrested Ronnie for threatening the Mayor, and arrested Situation for incitement of imminent lawless action.

After making bail, Sitch had enough. In a speech worthy of Mel Gibson’s oratory in the Braveheart, the Sitch inspired everyone to take New Jersey by violent force, and install a new government. The crew marched on Trenton, and seized the state with no resistance, as the native residents of New Jersey were awed by the Situation. The Garden State was officially renamed Sitchaly. Following the rebellion, it was unclear whether the new state government was a legitimate form of government.

The President was not happy with this situation, and sent in federal troops, without notifying Congress, to suppress the insurrection. The President suspended the writ of habeas corpus in this state of rebellion. Even though the federal district court in Newark was still open for business, Congress withdrew that Court’s jurisdiction, and ordered that all enemy combatants be prosecuted in a military tribunal without the benefit of a trial by jury or other due process rights.

The federal troops quickly put down the insurrection and captured Sitch. They immediately transported him to a Naval Brig in Staten Island and denied him access to an attorney. Following some extensive waterboarding–during which Sitch repeatedly bragged about his washboard abs–Sitch was finally granted access to an attorney, and filed for a writ of habeas corpus against the President in the District Court for the District of Columbia,.

Please submit answers in the comments below. GTL Forever.