In light of the entire kerfuffle over Jim Tressel, Ohio State, and the scandal plaguing their football program, I turn to the wisdom of the inestimable Eric Cartman, from this week’s episode, Crack Baby Athletic Association. For more on why I think “student athletes” (a oxymoron if I’ve ever heard one) should be paid, see here, here, and here.

 

Kyle:	I know, but dude, we can’t license our games to EA Sports and pay the crack babies nothing. Slavery is illegal.
Cartman:	It’s not illegal Kyle. Tell you what: I’ll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it.
Kyle:	What other companies?
	[One such company. The University of Colorado at Boulder, day. In an office, a middle-aged man is reading a documnet at his desk]
Secretary:	[off-screen] Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you.
Dean Howland:	A what? Send him in. [the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman]
Cartman:	[speaking like a Georgia plantation owner] Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I’m a well-respected owner in the slave trade.
Dean Howland:	In the what?
Cartman:	My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don’t ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself, [opens a humidor and takes out a cigar] I am also in the slave trade. [takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down] But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin’ if you could share some secrets.
Dean Howland:	I have… no idea what you’re talkin’ about.
Cartman:	[walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team] You have some might strong-lookin’ workers heah, sahr. I’d be willin’ to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks.
Dean Howland:	Are you refering to our student athletes?
Cartman:	Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin’ for our slaves uh- “student atheletes” then?
Dean Howland:	Look, there are [catches his breath] good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man.
Cartman:	I ain’t arguin’. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right?
Dean Howland:	We do [slams his fist on his desk] not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves.
Cartman:	But of course you own slaves, because, oh… riiight. [clears his throat] Of couse you don’t have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin’ in on this heah conversation, they should know that we’er not talkin’ ’bout slave ownership. Gaauu. [waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says] Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves.
Dean Howland:	Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you!
Cartman:	You think you can do whatever you want ’cause your corporation is a university?! [walks towards the entrance and opens the door] This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn’t hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I’m goin’ home![walks out and closes the door]

Pay the “student athletes.” Stop the pretenses.